Memory of an Elephant

*Discalimer* This blog entry is a little bit all over the place *Disclaimer*

Isaiah 41:9-10

God is speaking to Israel and says : "I have called you back from the ends of the earth saying "You are my servant." For I have chosen you and will not throw you away.

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will hold you up with my victorious hand."

Aren't the Lord's promises so beautiful. 

It's hard to fathom a God so big speaking to us in such a personal way. It's hard to believe that will all the negativity in this world,  such a God may truly exist.

This is when faith comes in. Believing in what we don't see. Faith….such a big word! 

It's hard to believe when we don't understand. It is, however, the only thing we can hold on to in this day and age.

As I read this passage, my mind and heart goes to Jill Haskins, one of my sister's great friends who, to put in simple words, has gone through much more than I could ever bear.

A couple of years ago, Jill and her husband Shane were blessed with the birth of baby Joshua. They found out baby Joshua had a congenital heart disease and through 51 days of fighting and prayer, he passed.

She has been so strong through it all with the support of her husband, friends, family, and most importantly God. She's overcome such a tragedy and turned it into something beautiful. She started a small business by making dolls (Joshie Dolls) that were created to honor the lives of the children who are born with CHD. The dolls are personalized to represent children that have been affected by CHD and also to bring remembrance and hope to families that have felt the hurt and struggles that come with CHD.

Oh the bravery of having that daily reminder.

Despite her courage and strength, two years ago intactivists had been sending her hate mails and attacking her website accusing her of killing her own son. How awful are humans? Seriously! They had started the attacks again a week ago. After all she has gone through, you would think she would get a break, and yet this happens. This only makes her a tougher mother, a fiercer woman, and a stronger believer.

Please keep her in your prayers as we remember the promises God has in such times. Also check out her blog http:/fierceandfiesty.blogspot.com/ and the Facebook page for Joshie Dolls. You will understand her story and vision much better than the way I just described it.

I have a lot of respect for Jill for many reasons. In contrast to this working mother of three who is going through all of that, I feel as if I am quite the opposite.

I can be viewed as strong, independent, and adventurous but I'll let you in on a little secret of mine. I am one of the laziest people you will ever meet.

It's a confession that I am not proud of, but it is a fact. Let me clarify something though. If you give me a job to do, I will do it hard, but it's when I have nothing to do, no expectations to be met, that you will most likely find me laying around much like a cat would. I won't initiate much of anything and unfortunately I easily settle for complacency. Maybe I'm being hard on myself, but that's the way I see it.

That being said, I tried coming up with various reasons as to why I'm so lazy. I didn't grow around lazy people. That is most definitely not the way I was educated. I believe I haven't always been this lazy. So how did I become this way?

Well, God whispered it in my ear this morning as I was reading a devotional from Bob Gass. 

FEAR.

My laziness is rooted in something much deeper than what it is. I have become lazy due to fear. I have lost confidence in who I am, and what I can become. I am deeply afraid of failure. I am terrified of getting up, trying something new, and being ridiculed for it. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm scared of not being good enough. I am paralyzed by the thought of giving my all and receiving nothing in return.

I think it's easier for me to admit that I'm lazy as opposed to facing the fact that I'm afraid.

Do you ever wonder where the expression "memory of an elephant" came from? Perhaps you already know, but in the case that you don't here goes a little insight on the training of elephants.

When elephants are young, they are tied to huge tree trunks as they haven't reached their full strength. They try to escape, they fight, they repeatedly try to get away and yet cannot because they are restrained by a cord tied to a tree trunk.

Now why is it that once they grow big and strong, they don't destroy the tree they are tied to since they have all the power and might to do so?

Because they remember their multiple failed attempts to escape when they were younger and don't even think about trying again. In fact, most times they aren't even tied to a tree anymore, they just have a cord around their legs and this cord forever reminds them of their past struggles.

And that is where the saying "you have the memory of an elephant" comes from.

Why am I sharing this? Because we aren't that much different from elephants. We, as humans, are often scarred by our negative past experiences and can easily give up due to a fear of returning to these experiences that affected us so deeply.

We allow fear to paralyze us and keep us from moving forward.

As I was reading about this, this morning, the song "Sure Looks Good To Me" by Alicia Keys was playing in the background and I couldn't help but relate the lyrics with what I was reading and how I was feeling.

"The darkness comes and I've been telling my soul that me and myself we turn around, we're getting old.

But the lightning crashes, foolish emotions from the bruises and the beauty in this moment that we're feeling.

And I feel like I'm seeing the world inside of me, but I can tell you that I know, it's getting easier to breathe.

There's a cold in the  morning, endless equation of who we've become, its a complex situation so live, love life, give love. Live, love life, give love cus who are we anyways?

So don't rain on my parade, life's to short to waste one day, I'm gonna risk it all, the freedom to fall. It sure looks good to me."

Life is complex. Even God is complex. But it's life and we are to love it and live it fearless in His name. Let's risk it all and have this freedom to fall because life is to short to waste a single day.

Jill's story is one out of thousands that cause us to ask that pending question "Why God, why?" But God allowed Jill's pain to turn into hope for others. She chose not to waste a single day by listening to God's promises. "You are my servant, for I have chosen you and will not throw you away."

Jill could've been like an elephant and allowed the memory of bruises and scars from her past to keep her from moving forward and yet she doesn't. She allows God to continue to strengthen her to do even more.

I look up to her, for I wish my elephant's memory wouldn't allow my past failures to keep me from achieving my dreams and goals. I wish I would cut the ropes that are keeping me from experiencing the freedom to fall. I wish I could fully trust in God's promises to me.

God is more powerful than our struggles, fears, and past experiences. He promises to strengthen us. He says "Don't be afraid, for I am with you."

Thank you God for your promises and please give us the faith to continue to hold on to the hope they bring into our lives.

Sex and the City 2

So the movie "Sex and the City 2" inspired me to write this blog entry. *chuckles*

I was having trouble sleeping last night as my thoughts were flooded with various wedding ideas that I couldn't link up in any concrete manner. Thoughts such as "How in the world are we going to incorporate French, Senegalese, African American, Cape Verdian, West Indian, and Hipster cultures all in one event?" or "How many bridesmaids do I really need to accompany me throughout this journey?" or "who will pastor us and which Church will we get married in?" or "are we even getting married in a church?" and so on and so forth.

Funny thing is that I am over thinking this special day coming up (which we still haven't decided upon a date) while forgetting what really matters.

In Sex and the City 2, the main character (Carrie) is attempting to figure out what type of marriage she wants her and her husband (Preston) to have. She doesn't want to follow tradition, but wants what works best for the two of them. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all figure that out? They decide they don't want any children, but then the fear of "getting bored" and loosing their "spark" and growing into a "uninteresting old couple" slowly creeps in as she is focusing on the routine they are creating rather than appreciating the beautiful relationship and marriage that they already have.

Oddly enough, I was able to associate this plot to my previous blog entry titled "Now What!?" 

Carrie and Preston became one of those couples who struggled with this social norm of starting a family after reaching the "marriage" part of life's many pressuring questions.

They know what they want, yet are conflicted between that and what everyone else's opinion about marriage is. This sadly leads to confusion and discontentment.

Of course, we're talking about an American movie here so in this story, we have a happy ending.

In real life, however, these types of struggles can easily tear up a marriage. If one leaves enough room for the doubt to settle in, it can only be the beginning of a downward spiral. People begin second guessing and wondering whether they made the right choice marrying this person and if they should've married someone else instead, and this doubt can start quickly staining relationships. Without the right stain remover, couples can easily decide to throw it all out in a heart beat.

I am obviously no marriage professional since I'm not married yet, but I will say that I'm quite observant and am basing these conclusions on my various observations.

Jeremy and I are so similar yet so different. In a cheesy way, we definitely do complete each other. He's an African American from a big city (Columbus, Ohio) who ended up in a small mennonite town in Indiana.

I'm a TCK (third culture kid) also from a big city (Dakar, Senegal) who ended up in Huntington, IN. 

Now instead of focusing on how to incorporate all of these cultures into one event, as I had mentioned earlier, I am attempting to focus on continuing to interweave all of these cultures into one big lifestyle. We have figured some of it out so far, but have so much more to figure out and I guess this film just reminded me to keep fighting to do so. 

We need to continue to pull all of our energy on the rest of our lives and figuring out what will work best for us as opposed to what's worked best for others. 

The big day is just the symbol/celebration that allows us to officially start this journey together, and I'm hoping to not let that distract us from preparing ourselves for the big life God has planned ahead of us.

{I'm not sharing any kind of fresh, profound, unrevealed information; I am simply sharing my thoughts (and Godly reminders) throughout this process.}

A lot of people do not understand why/how we've been able to do this long distance relationship. The truth of the matter is that we don't really have much of a choice, and because of that, we attempt to focus on the pros rather than letting the cons discourage us. The way I see it, is that it's the only thing that makes sense right now, or at all for that matter. If we had ever decided to break up because the distance was too difficult to bear, it wouldn't have changed how much we missed each other or wanted to be together. Heck I can't picture myself with anyone else so breaking up due to a simple matter of proximity wouldn't change the fact that I still want to be with this one man.

Anything good is worth fighting for. Our distance is allowing us to better understand ourselves as individuals and each other through communication. Long distance relationships have been done before, and will be done again but simply aren't right for everybody. This is a fact. They had never worked out for me in the past and right when I decided to officially give up on them, this boy came back in my life and that was it. This long distance relationship is actually easier than any "normal" relationship I've ever had. It's the only thing that makes sense. Time doesn't matter, because when we are reunited, life is wonderful.

All of this to say that I'm excited to figure out life with this man. We have a mixture of cultures, personalities, dreams, and aspirations that are united and sealed by God's love. Because we are so different, we have so much to put on the table, and I have a feeling this table is going to be quite the feast.

I'm hoping we can continue to grow individually and prepare ourselves emotionally and mentally so that we can master a marriage of our own without allowing doubt, and second guessing to hinder our union. 

I'm sure doubt will take place, when does it not in a relationship? But I'm hoping and trusting that our past and present experiences will continue to better our future ones.

"Now what!?"

Just about a week ago, I was temporarily saying farewell to the love of my life. Exactly a week prior to that, I was making phone calls, sending text messages, sharing pictures and words of joy to announce that we had just been engaged to embark a journey towards marriage. 

Talk about an emotional roller coaster! 

Man how time flies. All of that was already two weeks ago. Oddly enough it sort of feels like none of this ever even happened. It's funny how these big moments in life happen and the question that follows is "Now What!?"

It's also funny how life can put so much pressure on certain significant moments, and before one can even realize the moment happened, life offers you questions associated to the "next big moment."

I could be wrong on this, but in my opinion (according to my experience) the first major life question is: "SOoooo have you picked out a college yet!?" soon after this one is "What are you studying, what do you want to do with your life?" and then it's "Have you found a job yet" or " Are you dating anyone?" soon follows the "When are you two getting engaged??" question and the obvious one that follows is "So when is the wedding?" and this one I, myself, have asked far to many times "When are you two starting a family??" and then the questions start to die down… or do they?

Should our identity really be focused on these big moments in our lives? These "big questions" are innocent, and actually meant to be loving and caring but do we think about how they affect one's identity? What about the one who decides to never go to college, or to never get married, or to not have any children? What happens to them? (my mind is rambling)

It's so easy to follow the routine of life, that we can often loose sight of life itself. That's how easy it is to miss out on the things God has to offer, simply due to our focus on doing things "right" by following social norms. This often leads to a misconception of identity which then bring us to confusion and lack of vision.

I was reading 1 Corinthians 12 earlier and was reminded by the Spirit of how important it is to focus solely on who we are created to be without trying to be anything or anyone else. We are each created differently (thank God) so let us embrace these differences that mark our journey and let us move forward as we focus on the journey itself rather than our neighbors' journeys. Far to often, we waste our time walking forward while looking at the person next to us rather than embracing what's ahead of us. How can anything be accomplished if we all end up performing the exact same task? Or if we focus on someone else's task rather than our own?

Friends, despite the hardships, let us rejoice and embrace the different journeys God has laid before us. 

My journey is different from others'. I personally couldn't (still can't) understand why I had issues with my papers when I was in the US, why I couldn't find a job on time, why I had/have to deal with long distance relationship, why I have totally lost drive for the passions God had once put on my heart, why I can always make new friends only to loose old ones due to the distance, why this and why that etc etc etc… but today, I choose to accept my journey and embrace every aspect of it. The good and the bad. At least this is my hope and my goal.

Though I see things a bit clearer, I still don't understand everything, and that is the beauty of life.

I am blessed through it all. I am challenged. I am growing. I am learning, and I have a wonderful person to walk this crazy journey with me. For that I am so thankful. I'm not taking for granted the fact that Jeremy and I have reached this "big moment" in our lives. In fact, I'm attempting to do quite the opposite; I am choosing to embrace this new "status" of ours through the distance by making the best of my time here and focusing on why God wants me here as opposed to daydreaming of what's ahead and missing out on life happening right before my eyes. 

I hope that my eyes and heart will be opened to what this new year has in store. That I may keep growing, learning, rejoicing through the challenges I face. Only by His grace.

PS: thank you all for your prayers and warm thoughts towards Jeremy and myself. He's been really busy at work, which has been keeping him busy, and I've felt your prayers throughout this entire past week. God is doing some serious work in me and I know I can thank you for helping with that!!

Be blessed

Djo

This is a photo I took a couple of days before writing this blog entry. I happened to find it today and thought it had just the imagery to fit this theme.

It's a picture of my father driving in Normandie, France and you can  notice that  he is looking straight ahead. It's important to look in the rear view mirror every now and then to help us move forward, but we do need to focus on looking straight up and straight ahead. 

You can also notice the Bible right underneath the GPS that is guiding my father to whatever destination we were headed towards ( I believe we were either on our way home, or on our way to the temple where he has taken a temporary volunteer position to pastor over a small community for a few months).