Acceptance

Greetings from Goshen,

Exactly a year ago, I was probably sitting in this exact same spot attempting to prepare myself for a completely unknown new beginning in my life.
In year 2011, I'd gone through so much that I found it impossible to understand the purpose God had in mind. I didn't know where I'd end up, who would still be in my life, or what I'd be doing. Here I am, thinking back to all I've gone through and yet feel as if not a whole lot has changed.

Since then, I've moved to France, lived with brother & sister in law & and the kiddos, worked on a boat, made a lot of great new friends, done some traveling here and there, and have gotten possibly two photography gigs.

I arrived to the States about a month and a half ago and have been loving the possibility of drinking yummy flavored coffee whenever I want, speaking more frequently to friends, hanging out with my amazing boyfriend, spending quality time with my sister, going to the 509 community, enjoying sunny/cool fall days, sleeping in on most days, feeling the spirit of the Holidays, and eating really bad for you but deliciously good food.
Many people were surprised when they saw me. Some thought I might've came for a short visit, others thought (think) I was/am here to stay, while some probably don't even know that I'm back. Many ask me "what are you doing here?" lol

Well as expected, I've missed it here and decided to spend the Holidays with loved ones. I got a winter break (a long one that is) from work and decided to come here. I am so happy I did. As much as I've loved doing all of those things I mentioned earlier, I've also had a lot of time to think.

I guess that last time I was here, I left with expectations and I've also come back with some. I don't know when I'll learn not to have expectations but it is the way I am I suppose.

I left thinking I'd go through a life change and do so much growing both in my passions and spiritually.
I came back thinking I'd be spending all of this time with all of these friends and sharing everything I've gone through since I last left.
Well neither has happened. Despite all of the fun I've had in France, I don't feel as if my passions or my relationship with God have grown since I've left nor have I been able to spend as much time as I'd anticipated with that many friends while being here (which I totally understand, since people do have lives lol).

I have learned to accept the latter, but find it hard to accept the former.

The few opportunities that I've gotten to meet up with friends, I've been able to share a bit about what I do in France, talk about my little life, new friends and different things I've gone through. In exchange I've heard about what God's done in my friend's lives within the past year. So many changes, so much growth, such amazing stories, and yet here I am feeling the same as I did a year ago.

I catch myself saying "I did this, I did that, I've gone here, I've gone there, I've gone through this, I've gone through that," while hearing others say "God's done this, God's done that, God's taken me here, God's taken me there."

It's amazing how much one can do but when they leave God out of it, it is completely pointless. It sums up to nothing.

Many conversations I've had end up being about how crazy life is and how we totally didn't expect to be where we'd be at at this point in our lives. The only difference is that my friends not only have accepted where they are at in life, but they've been able to embrace it. Hence their thrive for life, and joy through their passions.
My problem is that I either stay stuck in the past or compare myself to others. I see people's passions growing, I see their lives moving forward, and I unfortunately find myself in this continuous wheel of comparison, self-doubt, and confusion.

This is why God cannot use me or help me grow... and I am learning more and more to not only accept where He has put me but to embrace it and be a blessing through it.

1 Tim 6:6-11 is a great reminder of this.

"Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can't take anything with us when we leave it. So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content."

Despite all these thoughts and feelings, I am so so happy to be back while I am here and am trying to make the most of my time here. I also hope this helps me better appreciate my time in France when I go back and hopefully I can make the most of it both at work and at home.

Only God knows what's in store for me, and I just need to embrace this life He has blessed me with and the people He has put along my path. May I fully enjoy this journey I'm in.

Peace,
DJO