Hello!
Disclaimer. these thoughts were jotted down in my journal and don't necessarily all make sense or flow with each other.
Recently I’ve been reading back through some of my old journals because it’s something I like to do everytime I complete a journal. I just got done completing my 2009-2011 journal and the concensus of that year and a half is that I always seemed to be on the pursuit of something. A job. A boyfriend. A purpose. Expectations fulfilled. Something.
I mean I’ve gone from Indiana to Colorado, to California, back to Indiana and now moving to France in a 2 year time frame (kind of didn’t have much of a choice for the France one lol!) Let’s not forget that I also tried going to Canada. Haha.
I was telling God the other night how grateful I was that He’s created me with all of these passions but as long as I’m not doing anything with them, I feel lost and somewhat pointless. It seems to me that there’s always going to be something "missing" as long as I keep chasing something tangeable rather than focusing on the Spiritual and my Relationship with God, I will still feel as if something were missing.
I need to stop chasing the "what is next" question and just focus on "what is now" aka the present, otherwise I’ll fly through life without truly LIVING. And I’ll just wake up someday not knowing how I got whereever I am at that point.
Even this morning, I shot a quick thought up to God and asked him to "Help me not to only rejoice about the futur when I have somethig to look forward to." I mean it’s normal to get that tingly feeling of excitement in your gut when you know something fun or great is about to happen and you are looking forward to it. That, however, should not be the only time we get excited or rejoice.
I frustrate myself when I do that and I think that's okay that I get frustrated at myself. I think that just means that I’m aware of some things that I need to change. In fact I am not as hard on myself as you’d think. I give myself a lot more grâce than I really should :/ and unfortunately I forget that grace is God’s job, not mine.
So all of this to say that just because I don’t know what’s in store for me with this moving to France business, that does not mean I can’t simply rejoice today and rejoice for the futur and what God has in store.
And if I’m really honest with myself, I’m actually pretty scared of moving, I have this tough, adventurous, spontaneous persona through my lust for life and adventure but I’ve actually been avoiding thinking about this move due to fear. I choose not to let these fears control but they are ever so present in my heart and mind.
I am scared of being lonely (especially after reading my previous journal, I did not handle loneliness well at all !). I am scared to discover life without Jeremy by my side. I am scared of not finding a job. I am scared of losing some very good friends of mine. I am scared of not finding a community (especially after 6 years of having the gréât community that I’ve had). I am scared of people that I care about from the US completely forgetting that I even exist. Sigh. I am basically scared of year 2010 to happen all over again. It really was a hard year but then again that’s the year I grew closest to the Lord, as if God just needed to strip me of everything and everyone in order to reach my full attention. And if that needs to happen AGAIN. Then let’s do it !!
After journaling this, I read a book and randomly opened it and this is what it said :
"Biographies of bold disciples begin with chapters of honest terror. Fear of death. Fear of failure. Fear of loneliness. Fear of a wasted life. Fear of failure to know God."
My immédiate thought after Reading this was "did I not JUST journal about this !? "
I am grateful that God finds every way possible to simply remind me that « He is there. »
"Faith that begins with fear will end up nearer to the Father. " We cannot go where God is not. So even though I have no idea where this life, path, road, whatever you want to call it, is taking me and who will be there, I know one thing for sure is God’s promise that He will be right there every step of the way !
God is so good to me. To all of us. Let us rejoice and be reminded that in the midst of fear, we can rejoice for God is with us !
Also, one thing I want to encourage everyone to do is to write down their fears on a piece of paper, journal, or even a text message to themselves. Wherever or however you want tp. I’ve done this many a times in the past and it’s always so beautiful a year or two later to read back and be able to look back and see how God answered, provided, calmed, or took away each of these fears.
Blessings to each of you. Much love.
Hope you enjoyed the weekend !!!
Djo
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