Mixed Emotions

Good morning, afternoon, or evening dear reader!

Well, what a wonderful day. I am currently ending my first day of our busiest week by sitting in starbucks drinking a chocolate mocha and listening to Christmas music while writing you all :)

This morning I felt sooo loved by strangers. Sometimes that's even better than feeling loved by...well...loved ones, because it's completely unexpected!

The second school we went to was great. It was a big middle school and even though the kids got yelled at by their principal because they created so much chaos coming in and she was very embarrassed by them (little does she know, we've seen way worse!), the kids for some reason loooooved me.
I already wrote this on my status, so if you read this for the second time, my apologies. But seriously, I felt so loved. One girl walked by me and says to her friends while starring at me "Oh my goodness girls, look at her she is soooo pretty!" haha. Another girl pointed at my tattoo and whispered with her friends and then goes "OMG that tattooo is sooo cool!" and then when I was introduced to everybody, she says "and her name is cool tooo!!!" At then end of the show, on her way back to class, she yells "Bye coool person. thanks for coming!!!" haha
Another kid starred at me while I was singing and I asked him if he liked my voice (because God knows I have a terrible voice) and he smiled and nodded. Later on when we were leaving, he goes "I like your singing!!!!" and I responded "thanks but you don't need to lie to me while laughing." :)
Two girls at one point ran towards me, and said "OMG you are so pretty, can we please give you a hug!?" and then two other girls later on told me they thought I was pretty!
A couple of kids came up to me at different times saying they absolutely loved the video and thanking me. Another girl walked by and said "I like your shoes!!!" Last but not least, a young boy filled with amazing manners kept following me around asking me if I needed help during tear town, while all the while trying to get to know me. (No he was not hitting on me). In fact he reminded me of one of my really good friends (TImothy Urbanowicz) in his manners, looks, and more, so I didn't mind it a bit!

Anywho...all of this to say God blessed me with these little angels to make me feel a bit better about life just for one day.

I come to update you on the evolution of my "situation" and how I am dealing with it all.

Yesterday was hard. The hardest yet. Everything is slowly but surely soaking in. I am trying to stay positive and keep my eyes on the Lord, but I can't help but let big and small fears slowly creep in
I start thinking about the futur and my life and thoughts such as "Oh my goodness, am I going to lose most of my friends through the distance??" or "Someday when I get married, will I even have that many people at my wedding if it is in another country!?" or small things like "How am I going to order my contacts every couple of months." or during worship at Church, I think about how I won't be singing any of these songs for a while. and of course the big fears like " I still don't understand how I am going to buy a plane ticket to go wherever," or " where will I go!??!?!?"

Well you get the drift. At the end of it, I always hear that voice that reassures me and tells me it's all under control and I have nothing to worry about but you know I'm human.
On top of these fears that creep in every once in a while, I've been feeling frustrated at various things and definitely extremely sad. I think that's the worst. The sadness that sometimes overwhelms me at the realization that I have to start all over again. Making connections. Making friends. Settling in and down. Adapting. Understanding a different culture. Even if I do move home, it won't be the same. I won't have the same friends there, or the same mentality since I am now an adult.
I just get sad thinking about the fact that all of my friends, at least MOST of them are really just here in the US. I have a couple in France, a couple back home, a couple in Canada and a little bit of everywhere in the world, but the ones who know me the most now as who I am today are here. It's just hard to think that God is separating me from them.

You know, God's been preparing my heart for this for a couple of weeks now and I did have a feeling He was sending me elsewhere but this soon, I did not realize.

The past month or so, I'd been thinking about my life here in the US and how it seemed sort of pointless. Not really pointless since no matter where I am I can be used by God and I believe I have, so in that sense it hasn't been pointless; But I've been thinking about this job and though a great opportunity to impact the youth, it isn't or should I say wasn't something I felt I wanted to do forever, or at all again.
You see, my passions lie in photography and film and creating beauty through a lens so I can share God's glory, Whether it is through the sharing of a story that needs to be told, or using my skills to touch on issues that need to be addressed, or whether it's simply capturing the beauty of God's creation. That is what I absolutely love doing.
So with that being said, I felt like I was missing out on something by not being involved in any of that. Not only was I missing out on learning and growing more in my passions, I was also not really making much money. Now don't get me wrong, I am not about money at all. But if I am going to be doing something I'm not extremely passionate about, I would like to get paid a bit more you know?
Well anyway I started thinking about all of that, and about where my life was headed here in the US and how I had nothing here other than friends. I have a so so job (that I don't regret having taken because of the growth I've experienced and the impact that's been made), I have no family (no immediate family) here, no boyfriend (not really in a rush to have one either BUT I've been "proposed" to twice to stay in the US twice since all of this has happened). But in all reality, the ONLY thing in the US that I have are those really close and amazing friends that mean SO much to me.
So yes, God was attempting to prepare me for this, and I was feeling his tug at my heart, but I didn't realize how urgent and pressed the issue at matters was.
It all became quite clear December 3rd when I called the US Immigration and they confirmed by not being able to extend my working permit, AND when on that same day I got laid off.

Another effect that this sudden situation has had on my life here is just to appreciate every little thing as if it were my last day. I've been appreciating the smallest things like certain types of bird, or cheap coffee at a gas station, or the beautiful scenery of this place, or sales that I just can't pass on :) (I've always appreciated those!), or southern hospitality, or conversations with strangers, radio stations, my ability to drive (as bad as it is!), the spirit of Christmas, snow (though I haven't seen it yet haha I plan on seeing it once more before i leave!!), people watching in malls  (I'm a creeper hehe), you name it....I've taken so many things for granted, and still do, but I'm trying to soak it all in. Each day that goes by, is a day closer to my crazy new big step in life!

I've also been feeling all of this soaking in physically. I've been getting random headaches, I've been getting really tired, I felt nausea last night, and I feel like I'm started to get sick, which could just be coincidental.

At this point, all I can do is trust and do my part of the job. I need to send my resume out a little bit of everywhere, and open my eyes and heart to what might be out there.

Also, all I can do is TRUST. Such an intense word. How can we TRUST after being hurt so many times, being disapointed, being let down, being betrayed and taken advantage of??
I suppose the answer is quite easy and clear. JESUS. Not only has he felt every bit of pain we each have, He promises to never do that to us. At this point the true question is: "How can I NOT trust? you know?"
So that is exactly what I intend on doing.

Beth Moore says this:" As God's children, we are the recipients of lavish love, a love that motivates us to keep trusting even when we have no idea what God is doing."
That is exactly what I am going through and how I feel. I have NO idea what God is doing, but I still choose to trust, no matter how hard it gets at times. I also have to trust God's timing. I have to trust that He will provide my every financial, spiritual, emotional, and physical need at this point. He has so far, so what should stop Him now?
My trusting Him is the right thing to do as crazy as it may seem and sound to some (believers and non), it really is the right thing to do.

PS: I've been receiving sweet and encouraging emails, or facebook comments and I can feel the prayers that are sent by So many my way and I am extremely grateful for that. Please bring it on. Satan is and will use whatever it is to make me feel down, discouraged, sad, and "encourage" me to give up but I refuse to do so, so thank you and keep it coming please.
In return, I will attempt to keep you updated on the evolution of all of this craziness!!

Thank you! mucho gracias, and merci beacoup!!!!

Do